Gardner vs Carpenter

Life’s Antifragile Nature and The Pursuit of Perfection.

In 2018, I found myself listening to an NPR interview with Alison Gopnik, an author and guest on the show. She introduced an intriguing analogy from her book—the Gardener and the Carpenter—that gave a fresh perspective on parenting styles. This concept resonated deeply with me. I’ve expanded this concept beyond parenting, finding its relevance in various aspects of life.

Life offers a myriad of philosophies and paths to choose from. Let’s consider two of these—the Gardener and the Carpenter. The Gardener embodies flexibility, diversity, and a reduction of risk, while the Carpenter signifies precision and the pursuit of perfection, despite its inherent fragility. This contrast provides a unique lens to explore life and our choices.

Imagine a gardener tending to a piece of land. The gardener does not simply select one “perfect” seed, put it in the ground, and expect a utopian garden to sprout forth. Rather, they approach the task with a sense of humility and an understanding of the complex, unpredictable interplay of nature. They plant a variety of seeds, knowing that each one carries a different potential and nurtures a different form of life.

Some seeds may bloom quickly, while others might take time. Some may flourish in the sun, others in the shade. The gardener does not obsess over the growth of one seed, nor do they despair if one seed fails to sprout. Instead, they nurture all seeds, patiently watering, fertilizing, and shielding them from pests. They observe the patterns of nature, learn from the results, and adapt their strategies accordingly.

Over time, the garden becomes a kaleidoscope of life – an ensemble of diverse plants, each with their unique rhythm, contributing to the garden’s overall beauty and resilience. Some plants may perish in an unforeseen frost, but others might thrive in such conditions. The garden, as a whole, becomes more robust – not despite the uncertainties and shocks of nature, but precisely because of them.

This illustration encapsulates the essence of the Gardner’s approach. Moving on from this analogy, at first glance, the Gardner’s approach in life may appear chaotic, random, and imprecise. However, if you look closer, you’ll discern a subtle, organic order.

This order stems from the Gardner’s core philosophy: diversification, adaptation, and risk minimization. Each seed the Gardner plants is an investment in potential, and every plant nurtures a different form of life, creating an ecosystem that is antifragile (a concept coined by the risk analyst Nassim Nicholas Taleb )—benefiting and growing stronger from the random shocks, volatility, and stresses of nature.

In this way, the Gardner’s approach represents antifragility. This philosophy mirrors life itself: unpredictable, ever-changing, and subject to external influences beyond our control. Emulating the Gardner, we can sow various ‘seeds’ in our life—relationships, hobbies, skills, knowledge—embrace uncertainty, and allow them to grow organically. When the winds of change and unpredictability blow, one area of life may wilt, but another could blossom, making us stronger and more resilient in the face of adversity.

Contrastingly, the Carpenter represents a different philosophy. The Carpenter measures twice, cuts once, and diligently follows a blueprint. Every piece of wood is cut and shaped with an eye for perfection; each action is a calculated step towards a predefined outcome. The Carpenter’s life is built on predictability, precision, and the pursuit of an ideal.

However, this approach is inherently fragile. An unexpected knot in the wood or an inaccurate cut can shatter the perfect design. The Carpenter’s philosophy leans towards fragility because it prioritizes precision and perfection over adaptability. Just as the Carpenter’s creation can splinter under unforeseen stresses, a life lived under this framework risks falling apart when confronted by life’s uncertainties. Aiming for perfection in a specific aspect of life—whether career, relationships, or personal aspirations—leaves us vulnerable to unpredictable changes.

Examining the varying aspects of life through these lenses, we see that neither approach is inherently superior. The Gardner’s antifragility and diversification can be perceived as an embodiment of Eastern philosophies that value harmony with the natural world and its inherent uncertainty. The Carpenter’s precision and pursuit of perfection, on the other hand, are reminiscent of Western ideas focusing on individual achievement and the human capacity to shape the world.

However, perhaps we might find value in weaving together these two approaches. In some aspects of life, adopting the Carpenter’s precision—whether in honing a particular skill or committing to a relationship—can lead to deep satisfaction and success. Yet, it remains crucial to incorporate the Gardner’s wisdom, to diversify our ‘investments’ in life, to embrace uncertainty, and to nurture our antifragility.

In the grand tapestry of life, we are all at once gardeners and carpenters, navigating the delicate balance between structure and chaos, precision and adaptability, fragility and resilience. As we shape the wood and tend to our gardens, we continue to cultivate the art of living, learning, and growing from both the predictable.

Friendships and Relationships through the Lens of a Gardener:

Friendships and relationships form an essential part of the human experience, and they can be nurtured through the lens of the Gardner’s philosophy. To illustrate this, let us delve into a nuanced exploration of cultivating these bonds with the temperament of a gardener.

Friendships and relationships, akin to the plants in a gardener’s plot, each require unique care and nurturing. Just as a gardener understands that roses require different care from cacti or tulips, we must understand that each relationship we foster is unique. Each person we encounter comes with their own experiences, values, and perspectives. As such, we must approach every relationship without a one-size-fits-all mentality but instead tailor our approach, adapting to the unique needs and circumstances of each individual bond.

Our relationships are not entities to be shaped and forced into a preconceived mold, as a carpenter might do with wood. Instead, they are living, breathing connections that need to be tended to, allowed to evolve, and given the space to flourish in their own time. Attempting to force a friendship or romantic relationship into a predefined form or timetable can often lead to strain and eventual fracture, akin to a carefully sculpted wooden structure splintering under unexpected stress.

Take, for example, a gardener deciding to plant an array of seeds. They understand that some seeds will sprout faster than others, some may need more water, some less, and some may even need a specific type of soil to thrive. They do not expect all seeds to grow uniformly but rather appreciate the diversity in their garden, mirroring the diversity in their relationships.

This gardener-like patience, understanding, and adaptability also extend to navigating the storms and winters of relationships. Just as a gardener does not abandon their garden at the first sign of frost but instead learns to adapt their gardening techniques and tends to their plants’ needs, we must also learn to weather the storms in our relationships. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and periods of distance are natural and can, in fact, make relationships stronger, much like how a garden grows stronger from weathering the elements.

Moreover, diversification, an essential aspect of the gardener’s approach, is equally critical in our social connections. Just as a garden benefits from a variety of plants that each contribute to the overall ecosystem, having a diverse array of relationships—friends, family, mentors, romantic partners—enriches our lives. It brings in varied perspectives, experiences, and forms of support, ensuring we do not rely solely on one person or relationship for our social and emotional needs.

However, it’s essential to realize that adopting a gardener’s temperament is not an automatic process but rather a conscious choice. It involves an intentional shift from viewing relationships as structures to be built and perfected, towards seeing them as organic entities to be nurtured and grown.

And so, in cultivating our personal ‘gardens’ of relationships, we learn to embrace diversity, weather storms, adapt to change, and nurture growth. Like the gardener we understand that the beauty of relationships lies not in their uniformity, but in their individuality and complexity. We appreciate the value of patience, giving each connection the time it needs to evolve. We celebrate the strength that stems from weathering storms, understanding that occasional disagreements and misunderstandings do not signify failure, but are, in fact, a testament to the vitality and authenticity of our bonds.

Recognizing this, we realize that, much like the gardener, we are not mere observers in our relationships but active participants. Every conversation, every shared experience, every gesture of support is akin to watering, pruning, and fertilizing our garden. We participate, we contribute, and in the process, we influence the growth and the shape of our relationships.

Nevertheless, we also acknowledge the limit of our control. Just as the gardener cannot command a seed to sprout or a flower to bloom, we cannot force a relationship to conform to our expectations. The gardener plants the seed, nurtures it, but eventually, the seed must grow in its own time and in its own way. Similarly, we can express our feelings, share our thoughts, offer our support, but we must give our relationships the freedom to evolve organically.

The Gardner’s philosophy also extends to the way we handle the inevitable endings and transitions in our relationships. Just as a gardener accepts the life cycle of plants, understanding that each has its season, we too learn to accept that relationships may change or even end. This acceptance does not imply a lack of care or effort but signifies a profound understanding of the natural ebb and flow of life.

A gardener knows that when a plant dies, it gives back to the soil, enriching it and paving the way for new life. Similarly, even when a relationship ends or changes, it leaves an indelible impact, shaping us, enriching our inner selves, and informing our future connections.

In essence, nurturing relationships through the lens of the gardener is a deeply fulfilling and enlightened way to navigate our social world. It encourages us to embrace diversity, to cultivate patience, to weather life’s storms, and to relish the unique rhythm of each relationship.

In our journey of fostering relationships and friendships, we may not achieve the elusive perfection that the Carpenter seeks, but we can find beauty, strength, and resilience in the wonderful garden of connections that we cultivate. This, indeed, is the profound art of the Gardner – an art that each one of us can learn, embrace, and nurture in our way of living.